My messed up self

I see your shadow walking past me in the hallways,  I see a glimpse in my dreams, I could see your blurry face every single night. But I never get the chance to tell you how much I need you. I need you by my side, with your shoulder to cry on. I need you to tuck me into bed and wish me sweet dreams instead of having to cry myself to sleep. I need you to tell me that everything is going to be alright.  I need you to be there when nobody else is. I want to show you how messed up I am, how troubled my soul is without being ashamed,  without having to hide anything. I want you to be the one that I actually wouldn't mind showing how weak I am to, how fragile I am. I'm not as strong and tough as I seem after all. I want you to see beneath my soul, see the misery hidden behind my fake smile, see the tears I'm holding back. I won't be shy, you'll strengthen me, right? I want you to actually be there and not just a shadow I sense or a face I see in my dreams. I need your existence more than anything in life. I need your company, your sweet soothing words. Not quite sure if you can hear me calling,  not sure if you even exist. But all I know is that I'll be saved when you do. So will you let me down?  Or will you save me from my messed up self?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for failing at coping with the new you.  I'm sorry I forgave you for what I never forgave anyone for. I'm sorry I never replaced you like you did. I'm sorry you didn't like my other friends while I was forced to like yours. I'm sorry I never used our friendship like others did, I'm sorry I never bragged about it either.  I'm sorry I never pretended to have the same opinions as yours just to please you. I'm sorry we always disagreed about your mistakes.  I'm sorry I was trying to protect you. I'm sorry I was trying to protect you from yourself. I'm sorry I wasn't the one who broke our promises.  I'm sorry I wasn't the one who sabotaged our friendship. I'm sorry you despised my protective attitude and I'm sorry I kept trying to the very last second. I'm terribly sorry for trying to be a good friend.  But most importantly, I'm really, truly and terribly feeling sorry for you.