Stuck on Replay

Every morning I wake up, look in the mirror as I wash my not so pretty face and wonder
who the hell I am. Go on with my daily routine, try to get through the day, go home,
go to bed, rewind. Been that person for over a year, the person I never thought I'd
be someday; the one I despised the most. Of all the people I could've chosen to be,
I definitely wouldn't have chosen this miserable lazy ass who's no longer able to
love herself the way she used to. It even disappoints me to say so. I don't know
why I'm unable to love myself anymore, although I'm quite aware that I do deserve to
be loved. Maybe it's because I've grown fragile day after day ever since I stopped
moving forward. Maybe it's because I actually did stop moving forward. But what could
I have done? It's not like I'm going to beat my fate, If it's not meant to be then
it's just not meant to be, apparently every single time. Even if it's for the best,
for my own sake. I've just reached a point where I just need to have my own experiences
and face my very own damned setbacks and learn to get over them. I need to learn to
walk through hell with a big fat smile on my face instead of that lame frown of mine.
I hate the lack of experiences, the lack of adventure. Even my achievements not longer
feel as appealing to me, I no longer enjoy my success. I miss the excitement one gets
to try something new, something reckless. I'm sick of the overwhelming amount of
negative energy surrounding me from those I love the most. I'm sick of not getting
the support I need from them as well. Instead of pushing me forward, they give me
another reason to step backwards. I need a change, something new. I haven't figured
out what yet but I just need to find it. It feels like trying to find a needle in a
haystack.It feels like I've lost the ability to breathe. Well I do breathe for living
but I just don't feel alive. The air doesn't feel the same, it doesn't smell the same.
It feels like breathing toxic fumes and locking them into my system. I told myself
everytime that someday will come and all of this will fade away. Someday I'll find
the light at the end of the tunnel or maybe someone will show up to guide me through
or heal my scars. I told myself that even though I feel like shit right now but I'm
strong enough to get through it all, to get back on my feet. But now I'm afraid, I'm
afraid I'm no longer that strong. I'm afraid I lost every last bit of energy to resist
this nonsense. I'm afraid I'll never find my purpose, I'm afraid I won't find myself.
It's like I'm digging my way through a dark tunnel with my eyes blindfolded and my
limbs tied up. Don't know when will it end or how it even will. Just praying to God
every single night, then go to bed again trying to escape my reality to my not so
interesting world of dreams. And then, I rewind.

When Manhood Rests in Peace

Be with someone who truly cares, with someone who understands you.
Someone who knows your favorite colours in shades and would answer
trivia questions about you. Be with someone who's protective,
protective is not possessive. Someone who worries about you and
would get a heart attack if you don't answer your phone, someone
who can be as annoying as your mom. Someone who fights with you all
day long but can't go to bed without kissing you goodnight.
Someone you can rely on, have your back without having to say you
need him. Someone who'll move mountains just to get to you. Someone
who can see beyond your imperfections and insecurities, someone who
loves you just the way you are. Someone you can be yourself with and
don't have to impress. Someone you're not afraid to show your scars,
someone who's willing to heal them. Someone who opens the door for
you, pulls the chair for you and carries your bag. Someone who can
be your Prince Charming because even a biker girl would love to be
treated like a princess. Find that guy and hold on tight because
when manhood rests in peace he'll be hard to find.

She's Almost Gone

You're hung up on the past, she understands. She'll walk through hell for you and
clean your mess. She'll stick around and never let you down, she'll always have your
back. She'll understand when you're angry, when you're lost and when you just don't
feel like talking about it. She'll forgive you on every time break her heart, on
every scar you left behind and every word you spoke that gave her a hard time.
She'll forgive you for taking her for granted. She'll contain her anger and keep it
all for herself. She'll ignore the other girls. The ones that are trying to steal you
away and the one you were never able to forget. She'll try to make you see her and
no one else but her. She'll manage to ignore the things that hurt her because she knows
that you're stupid enough not to realize you did. She'll try to get out of her
comfort zone for you, do things she's not used to do. Maybe break some rules for you
as well. She'll ignore the fact that you stopped showing any interest in her life,
stopped wondering if she's okay or in pain, she'll come up with excuses for you.
Instead, she'll blame herself for her insecurities, she'll blame herself for being
so demanding and selfish. She'll sacrifice the time she wants to spend with you
because you have more important things to deal with. She'll stop complaining because
she knows you have so much to worry about at the time she needs you the most. At the
time she needs someone to hold her and tell her that everything's going to be just
fine. And by the time you start appreciating her she'll be gone. She won't be the
same person anymore when she looks at herself in the mirror. She'll be broken on the
inside, hollow and incomplete. She'll realize that the cost of being a smart girl is
way more than moving on with her life with someone who truly cares. But no one actually
does, so what's the point?