I Believer in Her

My body is numb. My head’s about to explode. All I can feel is the emptiness eating up my soul. I can feel my heartbeats and a stinging pain in my stomach. I can hear the clock ticking so loud along with the screaming voices in my head. I can feel the blood moving through my veins and I can see nothing at all. Void, emptiness and the urge to break the screen of my laptop. All I want for now is for all of this to end. Or at least curl up in my bed, fall asleep and only wake up when it does. I can’t stand waiting, waiting for the unknown. The sight of myself in the mirror breaks me even more. She makes me want to turn my mirror into shattered glass, that new cold reflection of mine I’m speaking of. I miss the old me, I can’t deny that I do. I miss how she knew how to love and give, how to let go and forgive. I miss the smile that never left her face, she smiled no matter how many haters gave her a million reasons not to. I miss how vivid and alive she was. Her quirky laugh and goofy attitude. I miss her spontaneous acts and her little things. I miss her self confidence and sense of security. I miss the way she was, perfectly imperfect. With all her flaws, she knew how to live. But most importantly, she knew how to love herself. But they hated on her so hard, she backfired. She couldn’t have done anything better than distancing herself and turning her heart so cold. As much as she seems broken and weak, she’s not. Nothing can break her, she’s aware of that. And maybe her ways of saying that aren’t so proper, but she’ll find the way back. She just needs some guidance or at least some light at the end of the tunnel. It’s there, but she probably hasn't seen it yet. She might not get back to how she used to be but she’ll learn to be better. Even if she’s not the same, learning from the past will make her stronger. I miss her badly but I know she’ll be back, I believe in her. I believe in me.

Her Intoxicating Drug

She found herself lost between her head and heart. The doors were all closed and all the paths looked similar. She couldn’t take a step forward nor a step backwards, she stood still for so long. Insecure, confused and empty. This is how she was. She found herself alone between the walls of her fortress, the fortress she built to keep people like you away. But somehow, you made it through her walls. So strong, yet so fragile in front of you. She tried so hard to push you away but she couldn’t. That bittersweet feeling was irresistible. She was so mad at herself she didn’t mind to see how it goes. “How can it get any worse?”, she thought to herself. She thought the pain was her new best friend and more or less of it wouldn’t matter anymore, as long as it satisfied at this particular moment. It was like a drug moving through her bloodstream all the way through her veins. It felt good back then, but the consequences turned out to be even worse than she thought. She thought she could control it, but it controlled her. You drugged her so hard but sadly, you fooled her even harder. She fell for your games, she fell so hard. And even though she regrets it right now, she enjoyed every second of it. But the game is over now. Sometimes you just got to let go. You have to let go when your sweetest dreams turn into your worst nightmares. Because after all, every addict has to make a choice at some point. Either to break free from the chains of that sweet toxic drug, or to die alone. She chose not to die now, she wasn’t ready yet. She’s willing to go through hell so she could feel alive again.

Everybody Wants to Rule the World

By the time you read this you’ll come to realise that you’re all alone, or almost. Everybody distanced themselves from you, they all changed. That leaves us with two options, either you’re wired wrong or that everybody wants to rule the world. Rule what? Yes, the world. Each and every one of us likes the sense of achievement, success. It just feels great, but you know what feels even better? Being number one, being on top of the world, the best. Well that’s completely normal, but then it starts becoming unhealthy when people hate seeing you moving forward. It’s not because you’re just moving forward, it’s because you’re moving faster. They like to be the best, that means that everybody else needs to come second, including you. They won’t like seeing you doing better than them, they won’t like it and they won’t accept it. They’ll change, they won’t treat you the same way. They won’t get excited when they see you; instead, they’ll be turn their backs away. They’ll replace you with other people that make them feel better about themselves, make them feel superior because they never felt that with you. Never did and never will. Why? Because their ego will destroy them and their pride will eat up their souls. Their arrogance and their hatred will sabotage every opportunity they can seize to reach success. But most importantly, because you’ll never back down. That won’t stop you from moving forward. In fact, that should move you forward even faster. People don’t hate on you because they dislike you, it’s because they want to be YOU.