Every morning I wake up, look in the mirror as I wash my not so pretty face and wonder
who the hell I am. Go on with my daily routine, try to get through the day, go home,
go to bed, rewind. Been that person for over a year, the person I never thought I'd
be someday; the one I despised the most. Of all the people I could've chosen to be,
I definitely wouldn't have chosen this miserable lazy ass who's no longer able to
love herself the way she used to. It even disappoints me to say so. I don't know
why I'm unable to love myself anymore, although I'm quite aware that I do deserve to
be loved. Maybe it's because I've grown fragile day after day ever since I stopped
moving forward. Maybe it's because I actually did stop moving forward. But what could
I have done? It's not like I'm going to beat my fate, If it's not meant to be then
it's just not meant to be, apparently every single time. Even if it's for the best,
for my own sake. I've just reached a point where I just need to have my own experiences
and face my very own damned setbacks and learn to get over them. I need to learn to
walk through hell with a big fat smile on my face instead of that lame frown of mine.
I hate the lack of experiences, the lack of adventure. Even my achievements not longer
feel as appealing to me, I no longer enjoy my success. I miss the excitement one gets
to try something new, something reckless. I'm sick of the overwhelming amount of
negative energy surrounding me from those I love the most. I'm sick of not getting
the support I need from them as well. Instead of pushing me forward, they give me
another reason to step backwards. I need a change, something new. I haven't figured
out what yet but I just need to find it. It feels like trying to find a needle in a
haystack.It feels like I've lost the ability to breathe. Well I do breathe for living
but I just don't feel alive. The air doesn't feel the same, it doesn't smell the same.
It feels like breathing toxic fumes and locking them into my system. I told myself
everytime that someday will come and all of this will fade away. Someday I'll find
the light at the end of the tunnel or maybe someone will show up to guide me through
or heal my scars. I told myself that even though I feel like shit right now but I'm
strong enough to get through it all, to get back on my feet. But now I'm afraid, I'm
afraid I'm no longer that strong. I'm afraid I lost every last bit of energy to resist
this nonsense. I'm afraid I'll never find my purpose, I'm afraid I won't find myself.
It's like I'm digging my way through a dark tunnel with my eyes blindfolded and my
limbs tied up. Don't know when will it end or how it even will. Just praying to God
every single night, then go to bed again trying to escape my reality to my not so
interesting world of dreams. And then, I rewind.
who the hell I am. Go on with my daily routine, try to get through the day, go home,
go to bed, rewind. Been that person for over a year, the person I never thought I'd
be someday; the one I despised the most. Of all the people I could've chosen to be,
I definitely wouldn't have chosen this miserable lazy ass who's no longer able to
love herself the way she used to. It even disappoints me to say so. I don't know
why I'm unable to love myself anymore, although I'm quite aware that I do deserve to
be loved. Maybe it's because I've grown fragile day after day ever since I stopped
moving forward. Maybe it's because I actually did stop moving forward. But what could
I have done? It's not like I'm going to beat my fate, If it's not meant to be then
it's just not meant to be, apparently every single time. Even if it's for the best,
for my own sake. I've just reached a point where I just need to have my own experiences
and face my very own damned setbacks and learn to get over them. I need to learn to
walk through hell with a big fat smile on my face instead of that lame frown of mine.
I hate the lack of experiences, the lack of adventure. Even my achievements not longer
feel as appealing to me, I no longer enjoy my success. I miss the excitement one gets
to try something new, something reckless. I'm sick of the overwhelming amount of
negative energy surrounding me from those I love the most. I'm sick of not getting
the support I need from them as well. Instead of pushing me forward, they give me
another reason to step backwards. I need a change, something new. I haven't figured
out what yet but I just need to find it. It feels like trying to find a needle in a
haystack.It feels like I've lost the ability to breathe. Well I do breathe for living
but I just don't feel alive. The air doesn't feel the same, it doesn't smell the same.
It feels like breathing toxic fumes and locking them into my system. I told myself
everytime that someday will come and all of this will fade away. Someday I'll find
the light at the end of the tunnel or maybe someone will show up to guide me through
or heal my scars. I told myself that even though I feel like shit right now but I'm
strong enough to get through it all, to get back on my feet. But now I'm afraid, I'm
afraid I'm no longer that strong. I'm afraid I lost every last bit of energy to resist
this nonsense. I'm afraid I'll never find my purpose, I'm afraid I won't find myself.
It's like I'm digging my way through a dark tunnel with my eyes blindfolded and my
limbs tied up. Don't know when will it end or how it even will. Just praying to God
every single night, then go to bed again trying to escape my reality to my not so
interesting world of dreams. And then, I rewind.
No comments:
Post a Comment