What Didn't Kill Me

What doesn't kill us doesn’t necessarily make us stronger. This is nothing but a damned lie. 

What doesn’t kill us might leave us scarred, broken and messed up. Scars don’t fade away even if they heal by time, scars remain to remind us with these incidents that almost killed us. Broken people remain broken, even if they learn how to love life again. You can never fix shattered glass. And finally, a mess is sometimes meant to remain a mess. No matter how many times you clean your room, once you become a messy person, it will find its way back. Look at me, I’ve been almost killed for lots of times; metaphorically of course. I’ve been stabbed in the back over and over again, I made wrong decisions and I loved the wrong ones. As I grew up, my trust issues grew up with me. I burned my bridges so no one would be able to come back, I built my walls so high so no one would climb them and I built them so strong so no one would be able to knock them down. I thought I grew stronger but I grew to be more afraid. Afraid to take chances, afraid to trust and afraid to love.

What didn't kill me didn’t make me stronger, I forced myself to be stronger. I don’t take no for an answer, I can’t stand failure and I don’t speak fear. Even if fear became a part of me one way or another, I had to bury my insecurities somewhere beneath my skin. They manage to reveal themselves from time to time when I breakdown or just lose it but I just couldn’t let myself fall. Strong is a choice. Strong is a decision. I made it and I chose it. I chose it because I had no other option. Weak is not an option, at least in my case. And although I might be living my most vulnerable moments, I chose not to be self-destructive. I lost my way, we all do. I’ll close my eyes and have faith that someday I’ll be able to find my way back. Even if it will take years or even if I have to lie to myself. All I need now is to learn not to be afraid to get myself killed, because seriously, what could possibly go wrong this time? It doesn’t hurt anymore.